I never forget, the anticipation.
The continuous waiting.
The arduous waiting.
For a blimp of attention, a tiny scanning ray of affection
That happened to have the time to cast unto me for that few finite chronos,
 I was content in the moment, why wouldn't I be, what more could I ask for with you in my arms in that very moment? I was always a present moment person.

I guess what happened in the end, I wanted more than being content in the moment I had the attention. I craved your guarantee. A sum you couldn't give. You were not trained to give. the longing is ever present. You would never believe I love you. Maybe I did cause harm. Yet it never occurred to me that I did not love you, because everything I weighed I did with love. Love is not enough dear.

I never want to leave, but If I did not, you would cry to me, about me, every other week. About the things you can or cannot do, the things I want and the things I demand. I am the cause of this unhappiness. I understand it. I took it with me now.


My lover, my dear, my tendcaner foal, every moment I was bewildered, blown over, surprised, and beloved by you, every habitual upturned twitch of the ends of your lips, your sparkly beautiful eyes, that chiselled visage and well kept hair, I remember to the very strand. My love, for your vengeful heart, I know I can never get back that smile, even if I never said no, I didn't have the capacity I thought I did. I lost your smile so many months ago, somewhen.. and I had lost my own, I don't know when.

Everything seems a dim purple haze. I grasped but I grasped nothing. For now I could only carry that tiny hope, of being led , maybe,, to somewhere my capacity could be, possibly, suitable, maybe. But I will try.

Dear angel,

 I have stepped on a heart that loved me, in a situation where loving back was just not enough. In your shoes I could feel the real pain, the real remorse, the temptation to run back and coddle my crying lover, the scars of inflicted indifference that I would never forget for life. I understand now, your poems, your cold heart, the dragged unwillingness. Such is life when it gets in the way. In an ideal world I would be with her. In an ideal world I would be with you. Lover and Lover. My poor pitiful angel, and your icy heart, I wish now deeply, that you were able to warm it again. A sign that mine would too, tell me that I can be fine. The hurt I assumed was on me is now on her, the hurt that I never thought you had. The ripping out of your imcomplete love, for my sake, for life's sake, we'd curse the systems, we'd oppose and fight because that is what we are, but we ripped out our own hearts because of the enormous ineveitability. I know she will have the scar, I had. And she will be better than now again. I hope I have yours too. I hope I am able to leave too. Dear angel, my sweet sorrowful lover, Please Give Me Strength.

,c.

That song, with  the lyric, Who's next to you?

Every moment im not able to be there, i am thinking, who's next to you?
the times that i missed and wondered truly where you were, im wondering, who's next to you?
24 hours in a day, 7 in week when there is no work yet i saw you for a total of 8 hours in one week, i seriously wondered, who's next to you?
I didnt doubt, but i really wanted to know, why? why is it not me next to you?

could you tell me then, how a guy i met for the three days in total, could usurp that number of hours within the entire 2 weeks of unhappiness. 3days, 72 hours, not all of it, because i slept and i went to school and did work and attended events and walked home from orchard.

if you wanted an answer, the answer is willingness. your Everything, was only as much as you were willing to give.

I did not leave because of anyone else. i left because i was unhappy.

and i pick myself up again now. because i know someone is willing.

____________________________________
the 3 days, we were just friends.

I went to the cemetery today.

itzliddat.

i have to be cold.
i have to be i have to be i have to be

i cannot do this anymore.

i cannot be sorry.
i have to look away.

its not that i dont love you-- no i cant, be cold.

remain human remain human remain human

how do i say i dont see a future next to you.
not that i dont want to be in the future with you, but i dont see my place in your future.
i cant think of myself as your wife, not as much as i can think of you as mine. i dont fit in.
do you know that this insecurity is primal, it is even hetero, when one senses there is no comfortable place for my existence in a life.
"you cant be my wife" is what i hear everytime i feel hostility, the false pretense of niceties exchanged, when relatives are vaguely mentioned, relatives,- a faraway fantasyland that im never to see light of.

do you really know why i feel im not getting enough, that i have no place, that i deserve more..

i am soft hearted, i say all these because i think of them, what about money? what about jobs? what about careers and starting families? houses? living with each other and each others' lives? there is no stability in your whole being. i would say all these harsh things because these are things i consider in my head, building a future, sharing a life. i would defend you, i would share to the maximum, but it is one way. i can give you a place, i can share my life, you can take part in every way, i would not hesitate to defend. i would make them accept it because this is my wife, this are your relatives, my family, my kids. i would keep your toothbrush, i would save you a seat at dinners and trips, i would have your clothes in my closet, your schedule in my head, your favourites at the top of my list. this is what relationships are like.

i have none and lesser. what about my kids' relatives? what about their future?

i would say these harsh things, the brain's answer is clear, im leaving because its not enough, because you dont have my future in yours.

but i could never bring myself to say it. i love you, i wanted so bad to have it all. i would say i help you, i'll do it for you, i'll do everything that needs to be tanked, i would never leave you, because the truth is i dont want to. i want you so much. bipolarly i beg you to stay, i'd do everything itsokay but its not okay.

the feeling will never alleviate. because in my clear head i can see myself being miserable. it is time to go because this person is not whom i can spend a life with. i could, whole heartedly, i would pour my everything if we were to continue, but i would be so sad, so lamenting. i love you so much, but the math is clear as day.

your hurt, my lament, clouding vision, love is easy, love is cheap, but life is not. we could have a life, it would be an unhappy life.

i cant move.

if i could be cinderella for one day.

"it is like a fairytale"

i truly never believed i could be like all those other glamourous girls with their sweet innocent smiles and honey-like manners,

i got proven wrong.

i shone. i could even feel it on my skin, my arms,

it was beautiful.

this is what success feels like, presume.

i thought i evolved or something. but it was fun.

and i feel extremely thankful to all the people who gave me their appreciation, who believed in and never gave up on me when i didnt believe them, and all the people who didnt think i was worth that shit.

i could be better. there is room for so much more. i truly believe now.

even the most annoying of manners seem fun and forgiveable in this light.it was pretty darn awesome. everything. everyone. thank you..

i am not afraid.

List of things i wanna do when I am free

pencils drawings of
1. show luo's crying face
2. other pretty men: mike he, joe cheng, baron cheng, danson tang, lee wei
3. random portraits

digital fanart
1. Jojo's bizarre adventures
2. attempt illustrated versions of posed pretty men
3. shota honeyxciel
4. learn to draw extra cute kids like love so life and gakuen babysitters

make ahmong hairstyle

shopping
1. badass cool style
2. cotton on long lacy vest thingy
3. knee high boots
4. hieronymous bosch doc marts
5. ivory doc marts stiletto boots
6. knee length crop shorts that work well with boots
7. aqua n lemon yellow eyeshadow, mac primer
8. toys
9. bunnies

make
1. mahou shoujo outfit
2. attempt corset patterns
3. alter clothes

- also, suddenly i am going to throw my temper because I HATE HATE HATE HATE PRINTING. IT IS A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE TIME MONEY AND RESOURCES. and many printers are stuck up people. and i hate to wait for hours at the shop with no service at all, and sometimes i cant even be angry at the staff because the machines are the problematic ones. because i know that. because i worked in a print shop before. and i HATE cmyk colour profile, it is unhappening and unbright and dull. the ink market is a greedy market. the amount of money that can buy a tank of petrol can only print barely how many words and how much area that moves no mountain nor pebble. it is not worth it. i dont mind printing with mud. its the content the counts, not the accuracy of your colours. im being angsty. UGH.-

4. mahou shoujo pouches/ laptop sleeve
5. sew appliques

watch
1. all anime
2. taiwan/korean/ jap dramas
3. whose line isit anyway
4. mind your language
5. modern family 5
6. thai movies, english comedies, animations
7. spongebob and fairly oddparents
8. ah huat coffee movie.


play
1. heroes 3,5,6
2. legend of mana
3. final fantasy
4. runescape
5. other games i downloaded


read
1. food manga
2. shoujo/sports manga
3. scifi list, canticle of leibowitz, brave new world, red planet, finish last book of cs lewis
4. eragon series
5. artemis fowl last guardian, henry neff book 5


eat
1. steak
2. matcha crepe cake
3. swensens earthquake/topless 5 with extra/all marshmallow sauce
4. matcha warabi mochi
5. nasi lemak


go
1. karaoke
2. watch movies
3. orchard road
4. bugis
5. bras basah
6. gardens by the bay
7. cbd sketching
8. clubbing
9. toy shops
10. bed
11. overseas
12. beach
13. sentosa
14. AQUARIUM
15. copic sketching trip
16. kinokuniya
17. borders
18. take pretty pictures


i wanted to rant about show luo's crying face, but im tired.
he is beautiful. i have never seen a man cry more beautifully than him, and it makes me immediately think of him as an awesome actor. i also think that him as xue hai is alot more lovable than himself or the mushroom head in haipai. even though i always support lee wei even though he is always the second lead, this time round i wanted xuehai to win, but as xuehai not mushroom. he has the most beautiful wet-frowny/crying face in the whole world. also, i think the white shirt with the red n blue V shape is the prettiest shirt ever. or maybe he just wears it well. immaculate person. so pretty.

maybe i should learn to draw girls.

dear angel,

I have loved many and lost many. I have been told I shouldnt chase and should wait around for love. I have been told I am not the one they are looking for. I have been told I am a dream come true.

While I most definitely have and am in love, I find my only regret, was not pursuing to the very last second. I have seldom given up first since. In this world, where I try the hardest, I have never regretted yet. Someday I will come to close our chapter. But yes, it is true,

I have loved, and have been loved, many times.
I have become someone I love myself.

I hope you found/find what you were looking for.

,c.

we used to find that feeling described in the movies, chase it,
but when we find it, it is nothing like the movies,
and the movie-parts we find ourselves in, are nothing like the movies.

There isnt enough adrenaline in everyday life,
and the things with enough adrenaline, are most certainly never love.
things like
stalking a crush and peeping into windows,
riding pillion with a friend,
getting hugged by someone older,
taking a hit or an accident for a crush,
rolling into a crumpled heap at the bottom of a mortar hill,
touching the abs of someone who didnt pick you,
going to a field concert date with a handsome man, who plays for another field,
running away from a pedophile and breaking into a school
ruining someone's wedding.

these unbelievable-in-various-ways events, so movie-like, and unglamourous, gave me a high that made up my life.

I guess movie things do happen after all.

Chasing the feeling, I guess, while unneeded,
I will most definitely continue to do so.

I wouldnt trade any of these experiences away for a more peaceful glamourous life. That kind of life is not worth living.
Havent you ever devoted yourself to a mere single moment?

Because this high is what it feels like.

i used to dream of migrating to barcelona, despite being anti-emigration.

i never realised, maybe i erased that connection, but it was a metaphor for forgetting. the ultimate clean slate. in my small world of undignified literature and film, barcelona meant forgetting. forgetting meant barcelona.

and the extreme heartbrokenness that comes with facing it again. i realise. how much i wanted to forget. yearned for it, begged for it, pined for it.

and your faces that came with the images of unfulfilled love, of disappointment and disentitlement, i could never erase. i hover between extreme disgust and care, dreams of my being spiderman to your maryjane, the advocate to the devil, i hold them with so much more value than those i gave my body to.

i am repulsed, i am fond of, your feelings, resentment, reactions, doubt and decisions, i felt them so finely i wondered when last i had used my brain.

i would like

to be naive again

and believe in you once more.

_________________________________________

nothing so complicated,
nothing all that complex,

being smothered, being happy, being unhappy, being tired, being disappointing,

simple emotions, frugal living, when was last i had decided what to spend money on?

the flaw should be deeper.

is too perfect, there must be flaw somewhere.

i am not a perfect person.
am i crazy to be looking for trouble in a trouble-free world?

peace. so uncalled for.

i feel so drained in your absence.

i'd hide from the world just so i wont have to be without you,

or rather, i'd rather be a hermit than be without you.

its so tiring to see faces and not feel like i can go on next. its so horrific to think i would be without you. it is so troubling that i wouldnt even entertain the moments i have to be without your assurance.

i might be terribly spoilt, i know,
but i would give so much i promise, i would give so much more back. if you'd spoil me this much.. just this.. your presence on the inside. i wouldnt mind providing anything material, physical, everything. just, never leave me.. not to those.. those things.... multi-faced men and women, people with polar ideals from mine (which is just about everyone i suppose, cus no one prolly dreams of sticking with you forever as a goal in life or something i dunno), friends with a whole bunch of other worries i'd hold for no reason at all.

i dont want to snake around, topics,people, hellos and goodbyes. If i had the strength i would entertain everyone of course.

i dont think i've ever felt like this. or maybe i have too often.

i've been diagnosed.
i've been carrying the weights of everyone with me. i've been told..

would it be a sin to drop it and elope with you just like that?
at the very least, i want to be able to hold you again, and let all these weight disappear in your bubble.

im so tired truthfully. very very tired..

It might have died some years ago, but I am still as confused,

does it matter to you so much, who I am with, who I look at, whether it is you or not.

did i do something so wrong you'd never want to talk to me again.

so many years later,

I am still wondering, why are you so uptight over it anyway.

over us.

It might be because you've never been with anyone else, anyone that could so easily usurp your little island of 12 or 20 years.

give it up.

i dont feel desirable, but i cant help considering the strong possibility i might have had your heart in my hand once, even if i never knew it.

it might have been that case. it seems peculiarly likely.

someone who would make me never want to talk to,
it would be someone who had made me feel totally and utterly undesirable,
to the depths of my very first wounds.

that is my
someone like you.

for every real love you gave me, she has done it better.
i dont regret our tiny moments when we were innocent and happy, yet i still feel spite over the tiny things that you intend for my unhappiness.
when these tiny things still exist, i am piqued to know,
what do you think of me?

not that it will give me peace to know the answer or anything, i am just wondering, what goes through your mind when you do these, what kind of system is there in that angelique face, to become of your deviousness.

i used to like you and your company. yet i dread every millisecond of your presence nowadays.
i dont understand and cant help wondering, did you send that girl to me to do her slavework for her, did you really suggest that i would most definitely do it because i used to offer to do your homework for you? did you really, say all those things and make all those faces behind my back?

its not like i will find peace in your answer and your faces, its rhetorically appalling an expression. and yet, what makes you think you are so awesome that i would want to chase after your every scrap again.

after all, dear, i've already got the most real deal here in my arms..

__________________________________________


i'm glad it was your hand i held when facing the most demonic of fears,

i'm so happy that it is you with me in bed, in school, in work, in makeup, in the mall, in the bath, in every picture and between my arms.

i am grateful for your warmth in everything, to everybody and to me, your honesty in your words, actions, eyes, and heart.

i am humbled to learn your manners, the way of treating a person, friend, companion, lover, family.

and i am thankful for all your efforts at being able, pretty, loving, fulfilling, and to me,- perfect.

i will always always put your needs first, and remember all the tiny sacrifices you've made to get us to today and in the future, even before, even when i was the only one loving,

omg how can such a perfect person existttt!!!! but yes, this pretty girl is here and real. right next to me.

i'll try very hard not to bully too muchhh D: